I thought it might be interesting, for those who have tormented themselves by reading through some of my previous work, to catch a further, perhaps more personal look into my mind. Some may not really care, for how can someone you don’t know change your life by placing a few words on the internet? If you can’t learn anything or be entertained, why bother? Reading another’s ramblings can’t make much of a difference, never mind help you understand who they are, now could it? Well, I leave that for other, more educated intellects to debate.
For those who do not wish to know where I am coming from in this particular slice of time, please discontinue at this point. Though I am unclear where this will lead as I am writing; it likely will give you my current view of who I am and what I believe. If you like what I have left with you thus far, you might not like where it is going, so be warned.
I should begin, as all stories do, with the label I am a vampyre. I don’t like labels any more than you do, but it I participated in forums and read articles and debated until I came to a point where I thought I knew everything I needed to know. I realized, in a momentary place of quiet, that I actually was at the beginning and not the end.
What we have in the forums and in the community is a nice support group. We exchange ideas and small life stories and discuss the generalities and sometimes nuances of being a vampyre or otherkin. It was good, for me, for a while.
I have since discovered that it is necessary for me to go further. I think there is a road we all come to that defines where we are meant to go. The crossroads is a very magical place. It is found to have great significance in all major occult strata. The decision I was faced with was do I remain satisfied with what I think I am and what I know of it, or do I choose the more difficult road of pursuing what I feel to be much deeper levels of understanding, which, by the way, I might never find or comprehend in any meaningful fashion. I question my legitimacy frequently. I can’t imagine and rational person doing otherwise. This made this an especially difficult choice to make. Any metaphysical journey we undertake is strewn with the broken bodies of those who walked it before. It is unwelcome in most contemporary societies and there is enough conflict within occult and metaphysical fields to overburden the broadest shoulders.
I decided to take the harder road or self discovery (internal alchemy). I am not suggesting that I am any sort of hero or doing something great because I make this out to be some difficult journey. Rather, I am attempting to push across the ‘need’ that I feel. It is desire that drives us to be where we are. My desire is the same in finding the hidden meaning to what I am as a vampyre as the thirst that we know burns within.
The world, to me, has long since ceased to be the world of work, play, trees, chores, projects, basic work-a-day stuff. Driving isn’t even the same any longer. I see magic. I see something beneath the surface of everything that most people can’t, do not care to, or deny. I think most people can feel it. I hate to go there, but it is a great way to express it. In the original “Matrix”, it is that feeling that Neo had before he knew what the Matrix was. Before you jump the gun, I am not suggesting we are living in the Matrix (I hope). We are living in a world of magic, essence, where mind is more, much more, than the ability to know we are alive. The mind can alter reality, touch things in ways we cannot begin to understand. The question is, how?
This is my path. The journey I am taking to understand why I am a vampyre. What was it that made me who I am and how do I truly begin to comprehend what it means to be a vampyre? There is a story that one of my martial teachers told me. He asked one of the great Tai Chi masters why he was going through all of the training he was enduring. The Tai Chi master told him that he was doing this to learn the four elements of physically being a human. He was doing this to learn how to stand, sit, walk, and lie down. The translation is to be in the moment. Simply sitting and being with yourself in completeness is something most people cannot do. Thus, I seek that same simple understanding helps in understanding where we are in the world. Labels do not define us in our entirety, but they do provide us with a framework in which to work from a common starting point.
I came to this community lost and curious as most do. I asked the same question that we all do (“am I …”) and of what it means to be a vampyre and how I define it within my own psyche.
There is an essence of vampyrism hidden behind the veil of what we typically see as life. I do not pretend to know how to part this. Meditation, ritual magic, NLP, hypnosis, chanting, any other number of myriad solutions have all made themselves known to me. I have tried many. I have come far enough to know there is more, but not far enough to discover where to go.
My current thinking is looking within for the answer. It is something in the essence of us that tells us what we are and where to look. It is what has brought me to this juncture and what I hope will speak to me and guide me to the next signpost. I wish that I could prognosticate to see if I will be successful. However, much of the fun of the journey is not knowing what will be around the corner. It is also the reason why it is also a very scary walk to make.
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